Hello Sunshine...

I feel good. Not good in a "I want to go run a marathon for self fulfillment" type of way, I still drink and smoke too much. I mean more along the lines of that feeling you have after you've been sick for a while and the first day you start feeling better.



Things have actually been really good, as weird as that feels to say, but in all honesty, their hasn't been much to complain about as of late. I've been realizing how important friends, roommates, and family have been to me. I was going through this phase where I really felt that everyone I knew was going to let me down, because they were letting.me.down.

Looking inward, the picture of myself I guess was that much more bleak, the relationships I had lost were my own fault. I think it took a much needed (albeit unpleasant) phone call from an old friend to help me snap out of it.

While I held that tin can to my ear and you lit the string between us on fire like a stick of dynamite, I couldn't help but to think of sunny days, or at least less cloudy ones. We walked along my favorite granola ridden towns hand in hand and ate tai wraps in secret, hoping we would get caught. Our relationship was unacceptable by friends and family, but dammit darling we were fireflies, and we flew big and bright that summer, because you taught me how to. And you are absolutely right, we always end up where we started.

Now me and my doodlebug are living in a home I finally got around to building, made of cardboard and duct tape. My puppy is growing big and strong, and soon he'll be ready to father an entire gang of little Rocky's. I've realized that music for me will sound the same if I record it in a $5,000 home studio or if I record on a $7 cassette recorder I bought from salvation army as long as my message is strong enough. I've learned to be patient and open minded, and that my skewed view of the world is not going to always be right, and that I can learn from everyone, regardless of what I feel about them.

Everyday I hope and pray a little that I get this entry level teaching position this fall, and start making the right steps toward becoming a special education teacher. A year ago I would have never even imagined actually doing that.

I've learned to look at the sun and smile again. Fuck, it's been such a terrible couple of months that when you finally do have to squint your eyes to see it, it's much more comforting than you remember. It's like an old song that made you feel good when you needed it to.

I've learned to not set myself on fire anymore. I have regrets, many more than I wish I did, but I can't ever take them back, and all I can do is try to mend whatever is left and do my best to show the people I love (and myself) that I won't repeat those mistakes. And I know that not everyone will be able to look past my past, but life goes on, sometimes you lose friends, lovers, and family. We are all gentile warriors, but it is an everyday battle with your conscience, heart and mind. Honestly, it's hard to be a human being sometimes, and I'm gritting my teeth and moving on.

And I am ready to be friends with you again. I'm ready to take pictures and smoke cigarettes and argue about bands and pick up where we left off, with much less making out. I am ready to break through the awkwardness and for us to find our groove again. I'm ready to be apart of your new life and you of mine and not in a "I'm trying to show you how much cooler I am now that you're gone" type of way. I mean in a "I think this is cool and I think you would too" type of way, like it used to be.

Respond in blog form, we're safe in here.